


per aspera ad astra

by rrosewhip



Series: in this moment now capture it, remember it [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: ? I guess, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, lots of it too, sudden realization bc ed is Feeling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 09:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14132772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rrosewhip/pseuds/rrosewhip
Summary: per aspera ad astra(or, less commonly,ad astra per aspera)1. a popular Latin phrase meaning"through difficulties to the stars"





	per aspera ad astra

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based off of [this](http://lunarhunnie.tumblr.com/post/172212744775/i-just-watched-all-of-brotherhood-and-im-starting) and maybe listen to pluto by sleeping at last

It was an overwhelming emotion that Ed didn't expect to feel, so when it hit him it felt like he'd gotten hit by a train. It was kind of hard to breathe and it felt like he was gasping for air but his atmosphere was void of it.

It'd been hours since the Promised Day had ended so why was he feeling this now? Why was he feeling this sudden mixed rush of relief and sorrow? Why couldn't he have felt it earlier when everyone else was together and letting out their emotions, why did his reaction have to be so delayed?

He thinks he prefers it this way. Gasping for air out in the hallway as tears sting his eyes and roll hot down his face, alone. He doesn't let people see him cry. Not because he thinks crying is weak but because he doesn't want people to worry. He believes he has no right to make people worry about _him_ not when he's done worse to others.

For a moment it feels like he's going to be fine but then another wave of emotion sweeps him up and pulls him back down. It very much felt like he was drowning and the inability to get proper breaths in was making him dizzy.

“Ed?” He looks up, bangs frizzed and face snotty and red and Ling stands there looking all sorts of things. Confused, surprised, concerned, and still that sort of breathtaking Ed hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge.

Ling slowly walks over, almost like he's approaching a feral animal that'll bolt or attack given the chance. Ed makes a pathetic attempt to cover up the fact that he was crying. He wiped his eyes and nose and set his face neutral.

But Ling had already seen it so it was no use.

“What's wrong?” His voice was soft and sweet like cotton candy and if Ed was in his right mind his first thought wouldn't have been _fuck I really like him he's more than I deserve_ but he wasn't and it was.

He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out so he shuts it and his head shakes.

Holding back his tears was hard and it felt like his heart was being pulled and his lungs squeezed. Ling still looked worried and Ed briefly wondered how someone could look so much like honey that was pouring over stars, and the comparison didn't make much sense to him at all, but Ling was a being that left him in awe and Ed didn't know how else to phrase it.

“You can cry you know.” He looked at Ed in a way that he hasn't been looked at since his mom was alive, and the fist that was banging against the dam nearly broke through. He didn't want to worry him. “You're allowed to feel relief and anger and sadness. You're allowed to _feel_ , Ed.”

Ed goes to breathe and his inhale is shaky and he tells himself if he's not careful everything will break.

“You can cry now...It’s been a while, hasn't it?” He looks at him like he _knows_ and maybe he does. Ling was always perceptive that way. Ed doesn't want to drown though, he doesn't think he is allowed to feel this mixed happiness the way he does. But he trusts Ling.

So he lets himself sink.

It all comes crashing down and the tears that were pooling behind his eyes gush out hot and fast and he’s sliding himself down against the wall and has his knees tight against himself.

Ling lowers down next to him and pulls Ed against him. Ling was warm and still kind of smelled but Ed didn’t care because that was the least of his concerns right now.

It felt simultaneously good and weird to cry like this. He hasn’t felt a rush of emotions like this in a long time because he’s always had to keep a one track mind and didn’t want to risk anything keeping him from his goal. And now that he was able to face everything he had suppressed he realizes how much he’s kept locked away.

He cries for Hughes. He didn’t get to cry for him before. He kept it in for Winry and Al’s sake because someone needed to take responsibility for what happened and he still slightly felt like it was his own fault.

He cries for Nina. He _sobs_ for Nina. He couldn’t save her and he is still wracked with guilt over the fact. He’s only _human_ and being faced with that fact and that time tore him apart because it was the truth. It was the way things were. He couldn’t save her, he couldn’t solve everything with alchemy if alchemy was only useful during a problem.

He cries for the people around him. He cries out of gratitude and solace. He’s thankful for the people he’s had around him, despite the many times he’s gotten aggravated. He’s thankful for the fact that they all stood by him in his and Al’s task to get their bodies back and he’s thankful they believed in him completely.

Ed finally cries for himself. For the _first time_ in years he cries for himself, he cries because he’s tired and he cries because he’s relieved he’s saved his brother. He cries because he misses his mom and he cries because his _rotten_ father tried to sacrifice himself for their sake. He really cries. He lets himself feel _truly_ selfish for the first time in a long while.

Ling is still there beside him and Ed’s tears are still rolling down his cheeks, albeit a little slower than before but they don’t look like they’re going to be stopping. Ed lifts his head from the space in between his knees and he probably looks disgusting. He can feel the sticky tears on his cheeks and chin and he’s sure there’s snot rushing from his nose.

But Ling looks at him like he’s looking at the stars, eyes filled with a childlike wonder and it throws Ed for a loop. He wonders how anyone can look at him like that when he looks like he’s been to hell and back and that’s not too far off of a description. Ling looks at him like he’s everything right in the world and Ed knows he’s not but for a moment he’s convinced he is.

“I don’t understand,” Ling starts and pauses for a moment. His eyes search Ed’s face and he talks again. “I don’t understand how you’ve managed to go so long without crying. And I don’t understand how you look so... _gallant_ while doing it. I don’t understand you.” He looked just about as thunderstruck as Ed felt. “I would like to, though.”

Ed feels it bubble in his chest and he laughs. It wasn’t a mocking kind but out of exhaustion and extrication. “That’s so,” He’s having a hard time getting words in between his laughs. “So fuckin’ _you_ , to say that.” He snorts and is laughing fully with his eyes screwed shut and his head bowed down.

“Yeah.” Ling keeps on looking at him, staring at him fondly.

Ed’s emotions are still running wild, and he’s still not in his right mind but that’s probably for the best right now. He shook his head and lifted his eyes to Ling’s face. He was met with the same childlike wonder stare.

“Why do you look at me like that?” He hadn’t meant to actually ask the question, just think it. But it had already left his mouth and Ling looked surprised for a moment.

“Am I looking at you a certain way?” He looks confused.

“Yeah, like how an astronomer would look at the stars and the moon or some shit like that.”

“Oh.” Ling sounded a little breathless. “Well to me you are.” Ed blinked. He _knew_ that was sappy, really disgustingly sappy, and yet at the same time it felt like his chest had fallen in on himself.

They stared at each other. Ling with a look on his face that read _I didn’t think I was being discrete here_ and Ed with a look that read _hooooolllllyyyyy shhhhiiiitttttt_.

He was starting to feel like he was left in the wake of something that's long since collapsed and now _he_ was the one collapsing. It felt like he was being pulled into something, someone else and he feared as soon as they collided it'd end in the destruction of the light in the other.

But when they touched there was no star like explosion, there was no black hole that formed. When they touched it was more like the merging of an entirely new entity that was too massive for either one of them to contain.

Ling tasted sweet, sort of like Ed imagined just with more salt and dirt and a metallic taste that was probably blood. He was sweet like strawberries and it makes him wonder when he had gotten the time to eat at all. He was soft, a little calloused, but Ed was probably worse so he couldn’t find it in himself care. It felt better than Ed would have thought and maybe he was pouring in too many emotions but Ling was returning with the same severity that it didn’t really matter.

They pulled apart, and Ed’s cheeks were shaded cherry red and Ling wasn’t much better.

“You’re so cloying.” Ed muttered and leaned his forehead against Ling’s and his eyes fluttered shut.

Ling laughed an airy laugh and shrugged. “Maybe so.”

For the first time in a while, Ed lets himself feel.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed!! kudos and comments are appreciated as well as feedback in general! you can find me at tumblr and twitter here:
> 
> tumblr: radsukeuchiha  
> twitter: soulvorer
> 
> thanks again!!


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